I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
