On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
