He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
