Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
