If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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