He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
