i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
