Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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