I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
