Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
