Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
