Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
