There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
