Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
