you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
