Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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