I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
