I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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