My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
