My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
