If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize