there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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