You just made me feel so damn special
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
