today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Congratulations! We have a period
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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