Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
