i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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