I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
