Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
