The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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