nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
