A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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