ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
