She is in my trunk
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
