Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
