i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
