I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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