You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
