If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize