Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
