i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
