the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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