you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
