Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
