Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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