i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
FUCK WHALES
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