she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
sex in a hospital.. check
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
