I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
