and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
