I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
