New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
