hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
