Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
