All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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