someone threw a dead crab at me
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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