Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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