My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
