this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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