We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
