i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
