Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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