the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
