Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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