My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
