You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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